By now you may have gathered that I am not a huge fan of the Olympics.

So, you can imagine how lucky I feel to have the torch relay coming down my street this Wednesday. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get out of my driveway to go to my doctors' appointments.

Wait, I could take public transit, as the BCCA is urging chemo patients to do.

Hmm, let's see. What would that require?

Boarding one bus, transferring to another, catching the seabus, transferring to the skytrain, and then walking up hill for 15 minutes to the Cancer Agency.

Wait, make that 20. You know, tumors and all.

Total travel time: 2 hours each way.

It would make things so much easier if I could just thumb a lift and ride in the priority traffic lane reserved for IOC dignitaries and athletes. Perhaps we could share a Big Mac on the way over.

Just think, they could tell me how athletes scored 100,000 free condoms (14.6 each) from the Provincial Health Services Authority and I could tell them about the lack of funding for clinical trials in this province.

We could swap stories of their parties at the billion dollar Olympic Village and I could tell them about the delapidated palliative care ward at the BCCA.

We could, like, totally bond!

Actually, come to think of it, it would be much more fun to ride on the torch bearers' bus. Then I could enjoy the VANOC promotional video shown en route which includes footage from the 1936 Nazi propaganda film "Olympia."

Nothing like a little Sieg Heil to raise ones spirits.

Oh darn.

Apparently, after a news article appeared in the Globe and Mail last week, VANOC decided their decision to use and obscure the context of the footage was a bad one, so the promo has been "retired."

Until now, I have been reluctant to post the following excerpt from the Riefenstahl film, first, because it is disturbing; second, with the increasing level of security and violation of civil liberties in this city over the past few months, believe it or not, it actually seemed risky to have this blog pop up under a possible Google search for "Olympics" and "Nazis."

Sad, but true.

However, it also seems to me that having an idea of the history and origin of the torch relay and the five Olympic rings that brandish every surface of our city is important.

So, screw it. I'm sure they have chemo in jail.

Restroom Ergonomics

Shame on me.

I had the audacity to enjoy a patch of blue sky this weekend and now I'm paying for it.

After walking Finnegan at Ambleside, then deciding to clear the leaves around our front entrance (it was looking pretty ghetto), I am now as stiff as Stephen Harper.

My hamstrings are so tight and sore that (and I know this is way too much information), when I go to sit on the toilet, I have to first grip the seat then lower myself down to lessen the impact.

Good grief.

I am not sure if this stiffness and muscle pain are a result of the SGN-35 or its absence, or if my muscles are just so atrophied that any exertion is going to have this effect.

I should clarify, however, that I have not been inactive, as I think this gives some of my friends who can't see me the wrong idea.

In the last week, I have walked half the seawall twice, had sushi and wandered around English Bay with Tanis and Vanessa, co-facilitated a writing retreat day, gone to yoga, had dinner on two separate nights with two beautiful Jen's, in addition to that bit 'o gardening and foray to the dog park.

If anything, I am guilty of overdoing it at times, but, as many of you know, when you've got energy, it is delicious. I never want to let it go to waste.



Thanks, Neil, for sharing this reminder.

Gabrielle passed away on January 29th, 2010.

And Now Back

...to our original programming, after another foray onto my soapbox.

Seriously, I think blogging makes me tyrannical.

So back to Cancerland we go (until next time)...

The BCCA has agreed to administer and pay for the first two doses of Bendamustine. However, we are awaiting Health Canada's approval before the drug can be shipped. Let's just say, they better not f*ck around.

More kudos to Dr. C for doing this in record time. Hopefully, the drug will be shipped soon and I'll have the first dose by the end of next week. Thankfully, it is another infusion chemo so I don't have to worry about swallowing pills which is not my strong suit. The Bendamustine is given over two days and the infusions are only about 1/2 an hour each.

This drug is supposed to be minimal in its side effects, though it is suppressive, meaning my blood counts will drop between doses. So, I'll be back to being hypervigilant about avoiding crowds and the inevitable coughing person who always seems to sit next to me.

After two doses of the Bendamustine, which are 28 days apart, I will have another CT scan. Right now, I feel relatively well. I cough quite a bit and have some muscle soreness and joint stiffness, but nothing I can't handle.

There is one weird sensation I get from time to time - an incredibly intense, surging pain on the bottom of my feet. It literally takes my breath away but, thankfully, it only last a few seconds. Most likely this is a nerve issue caused by the SGN-35 and, hopefully, it and the neuropathy will start to lessen now that I am off the trial.

The most challenging thing lately has been processing the number of losses amongst my circle of friends. Due to the work I have been involved in and the interests I've pursued these past few years, this circle has grown to include many people who are living with cancer.

It can be incredibly overwhelming at times, heartbreaking, in fact, to watch people I love struggle. It definitely gives me a sense of the feeling of intense powerlessness friends and family have expressed with regard to my own illness.

Some time ago, I wrote myself the following note. As serendipity would have it, I found it yesterday. So, for all of us who struggle...

I am

I am writing to you now from this place of strength. From this place of heart-thumping, heart-held tenacity. I am writing to you now to remind you of the spirit that lives and breathes, rises and falls, deep within and beyond these walls of the body. That lives out there, amongst the woodland owls, the ancient oaks, the cherry blossom petals that dance as if ballerinas poised in a slow curtsy to the ground. I am writing to you now so, should you need me in the future, at a time when struggle overtakes you, to say this: You are the owls, the oak, the cherry blossoms. You always were and you always will be, no matter the body that holds you now.

Alpine Skier Finds Cure for Cancer

Not likely, is it?

Thus, I have real difficulty understanding the logic behind statements such as: "The Olympics are a scam, but I support the athletes" or "It's a shame to punish the athletes who've trained so hard because you don't support the Games."

Don't get me wrong. I don't have a hate-on for lugers or speed skaters. Nor am I intent on "punishing" them. Truth be told, I don't really care about them one way or the other.

But let's be honest, they're not exactly advancing humanity, are they?

Athleticism - be it amateur or professional - is, largely, a personal pursuit.

Sure, an athlete may be part of a team or want to represent their country, but are these particularly altruistic endeavors?

Indeed, they may work hard for years on end, but I'm pretty sure most of us do. Moreover, how do soon-to-be Winter Olympians reconcile putting their dream of a gold metal ahead of the collective livelihood of 4.5 million British Columbians?

How do these athletes, who are presumably fairly health conscious, justify having McDonald's and Coca-Cola as their sponsors? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't take a pack of Marlboros to chemo no matter what they offered to pay me.

Now, I'm sure they're not bad people, but are Olympic athletes the citizens in society we should be championing, and if so, at what cost?

Pulling the Plug

...on SGN-35.

To my surprise, I am not going in for infusion #13 today as planned. Yesterday, I saw my oncologist and after more careful review of my scans and a recent chest x-ray, consensus is that the SGN-35 is no longer keeping the Hodgkin's adequately contained.

While I knew this would be coming sooner or later, I am disappointed that I will not be able to continue a little longer. It might sound weird, but after so many drugs, I've started to anthropomorphize them based on my positive and negative experiences.

For example, my foes have included Prednisone playing Norman Bates in "Psycho"; ABVD as Hannibal Lector; and MGCD 0103 as Linda Blair in "The Exorcist."

On the other hand, Vinblastine, Gemcitabine and SGN-35 have shared the role of Roberto Benigni in "Life is Beautiful" so it is difficult when the time comes for these drugs to take their exit.

Instead, once again, a casting call is out for the lead role. First up is a drug called Bendamustine, which is normally used for leukemia and other lymphomas but has, in a small number of cases, shown results with heavily-treated Hodgkin's.

The difficulty is that Bendamustine is not yet approved for use in Canada. So, we are waiting to see if we can get the drug quickly through the Special Access Protocol. The next challenge is whether the BC Cancer Agency will administer and pay for it. It is $8000 a dose and the infusions are three weeks apart.

What can I say - to be continued, I guess.

Blame Game

You: I thought this blog was about cancer.

Me: It is.

You: So why do you keep complaining about the Olympics?

Me: Because they are responsible for cancer.

OK, maybe not, but it's nice to have a scapegoat. Can't find a parking spot, blame the Olympics. Nothing to wear, blame the Olympics. Out of butter, blame the O...

You get the idea.

What do you blame the Olympics for? Late fees at Blockbuster? Your toddler's tantrum? Fido's fleas? Jon & Kate + 8?

Let me know what you blame the Olympics for and I'll post the replies in a future post.

email: kirstennotkristen@hotmail.com

Oops, I almost forgot one...Not being able to find the start of the toilet paper roll. I definitely blame the Olympics (and Oprah) for that.

Connecting the Dots

Honestly, if I see one more ad with an athlete eating a Big Mac, I'm going to barf.

However, if anything good can be said about the Olympics (cough, choke), it's that french-fry loving, Coke-drinking athletes will have to share the spotlight.

Countless protests, initiatives and projects are planned during the Games that will hopefully garner more worthy attention and support.

The Red Tent Project is one of them.


I remember when similar tents were pitched around Paris several years back and now a campaign is underway here to draw attention to the housing crisis on the Downtown Eastside and Canada's lack of a national housing strategy (we are the only G8 country without one).

It also seems that those who weren't before are finally connecting the dots - that the "cost" of the Games is too high - economically, socially, and environmentally. That we have better things to do than adorn ourselves in Olympic regalia or buy new flat-screen TVs to watch hockey on.

Last week, it was announced that as many as 800 Vancouver teachers could face layoffs in 2010/11. Across the bridge in North Van, impending layoffs and school closures were also announced at the same time plans are being made to line students up to smile and wave at torch bearers running through the neighborhood.

A little naive, don't you think?

Canadian Blood Services has also announced that it faces a significant drop in collection due to road closures and traffic delays during the Games. Paradoxically, they are giving away commemorative 2010 pins to those who make it in to donate blood.

The list goes on and on but the irony is not lost on an increasingly skeptical and informed public that knows we are paying now and will continue to pay long after the Olympics are over.

Meanwhile, more peaceful protesters have been arrested, this time along the torch route in Golden, BC, despite a Global TV reporter (not exactly known for their impartiality) actually conceding that the group was "doing nothing wrong."

This is not OK with me.

Is it OK with you?

While some may still "support" the Olympics (gurgle, gasp), there may be something you don't support in the future.

Wouldn't you like to know that your freedom to disagree is protected?